It's a Hit!

Listen to that! Will you listen to that! Do you know what that means? Let me tell you what that means— Wait, no— Anyone who even thinks it Don't say it You'll jinx it Listen to that! Did you listen to that? Does that make you feel proud? Well, feel more than just proud— Okay, wait I'll tempt fate And I'll state it out loud That's the sound of a— Hit! It's a hit! Gang, I think this is it! No more writing clever little shows For those basement saloons No more proclamations from the pros That you "can't hum the tunes"— No more sneaking in at intermission To the plays you wish you could afford— Or producers having you audition Whenever they're bored— And who say right away As you play the first chord Boys, boys, it's very— What is the word? Interesting And if I had even the slightest belief any audiences would come I would do it in a minute. Next! We're a hit! We're a hit! Standing up— The whole bit! No more coaching those sopranos With voices like bees— No more secondhand pianos With six broken keys— No more agents giving you opinions As they turn you over to their minions— Just for these Guarantees We should please Thank the Lord! It's a hit! It's a hit! Will my folks have a fit! After all of that baloney They made me go through All that, "Honey, not that he's a phony But what does he do?" Will their faces be stony When they see on their Sony Someone handing the phony A Tony Award! Oh! I would like to begin by thanking all of the hundreds of people Who have turned down every show I have ever written So that I could win tonight for this one Thank you! Listen to that! Will you listen to that? Tell me Is that a noise Or is that a noise? That is a noise We've been waiting The whole of our lives to hear! Listen to that! (Listen to that!) Will you listen to that? (Listen to that!) Honey, is that a noise (I can't) Or is that a noise? (Stand it!) That is the loveliest noise For a bread-winning wife to hear! Listen to that! That's obscene! (Will you listen to that!) Listen to that! (Fellas) That is a noise That is really a noise! That is the noise I've been I can't listen to that! Will you listen to that, will you Will you listen to that! That's the sound of an audience Losing its mind! It's the Pope on his balcony Blessing mankind! Folks, it's Funny Girl, Fiddler And Dolly combined! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a palpable hit! If it only even runs a minute At least it's a wedge It's the theater and we're really in it Not just on the edge! If your spirits ever need improving You can drop in any night for free! But the thing that's positively moving— You could have fooled me— —Is we're still old friends! Nothing can kill old friends! Where there's a will, old friends Don't need success to survive! And us, old friends What's to discuss, old friends? We've got a surefire genuine Walk-away blockbuster Lines down to Broadway Boffola sensational Box office lalapalooza gargantuan— Hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit!